the decision

As quick as the ride began, it has ended. So, he calls me and gives me the ultimatum of making my decision immediately - with me still in the dark as to what such a relationship would involve. Total control, total dependency - it's completely foreign to me. And not that I would not have, but he never told me how it would be, what to expect, what type of life it would be. It was all about me just trusting him, and walking into the unknown with him.

If we had at least met in person - if I could have looked into this man's eyes, I could have something to base my decision on. I'm new at this; am I completely stupid? Is this the way it's supposed to be? So, I told him no.

Complete ownership of my life was not out of the question; but giving it up so freely without knowing the facts, the consequences, the benefits, etc. is out of the question. I told him I had the right to make an educated decision. He told me I did not.

So, here I am, tears falling into a bowl full of cake batter, and ...

Steady on the Course

So, now he's gone - well, not really gone; but gone from me, nevertheless, for a few days on family business. He told me abruptly last evening and said he would contact me upon his return. Ordinarily, if someone said that to me in such a way, I would immediately become concerned and insecure. But, I did not; instead I felt at peace, content with his announcement, and confident I won't come unglued. Nothing was elaborated, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I need some time to think.

What he predicted a few days ago is beginning to manifest itself. My thoughts of him are beginning to consume me - most of my waking hours involve thoughts of him. And, perhaps - maybe, just maybe, he is considering me as well.

There are other things I can be busying myself with to take my mind off of him ... finding a realistic job, for one. Won't go there right now, but life changes changed everything in my life (did that make sense?) this past year, and I took a major hit - harsher than any paddle I've ever felt. Besides the economic benefits of working again, I need to keep my mind busy until this book business begins to (soon I pray) begin to pay off ... eventually. I write every day; devoting hours to it; now on my second novel, and the first has not yet made it online yet. I've been assured by my publisher yesterday that it is the word count that is holding up progress, and the editors are still working on finalizing it. That's okay - I'd rather it be done properly, than for it to plop out like a premie in the back of a cab, and have you all laughing and gawking at my "work."

A Caribbean cook book I wrote simultaneously with Seven Mile Point will probably hit the market before the novel. A writer -- I am going to have to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I am, in fact, a writer ...

So, until I hear from my dom-to-be, I'll keep on working, steady on the course, and of course, try to understand the feelings battling it out inside of me.

I also bake cupcakes/muffins on the side - my best bet is to do what I do best; write and bake, and try to generate some business. Whatever materializes between he and I, the fact remains I still need to survive.

I'm rambling ... this was not my intention. It's just that yes, my thoughts are devoured more and more by him, and I don't seem to mind it at all. My cravings are more pronounced. My desire to have him hold me, his arms locked tightly around me from behind, pulling me closer, closer, closer and finally into him ... with his warm breath caressing the back of my neck ... holding me, squeezing the resistance and fear from me until finally, finally, I allow him to possess me as only (I believe) he can ...

In the meantime, it's dark chocolate with hazelnut filling and espresso butter cream ... oh, my