You're Probably Wondering ...

whatever happened to J? Me too. Well, actually, he and I spoke recently. He has decided to move out of the state, closer to friends and family. He sounded great, but he also had a plan, which is the best option for him. Of course, I received an invitation to come over for a friendly spankfest, but I declined. When it comes to him - I want him all or nothing - so, I wished him well, and sent a piece of my heart with him.

So I ...

Took a very quick visit to Chicago this weekend to meet someone who offered my brain safe harbor for a couple of days. An alpha male with a gentle demeanor, "A" was very captivating to me. We'd been talking, and our conversations had quickly turned to sex and my possible submission.

With the issues in my life with my mother's ongoing illness, my new responsibilities as such, plus the care of my aunt, loneliness and sadness have consumed me. So overwhelmed and frightened -- suddenly, I am thrown into a new role I was not prepared for. In one of our conversations, "A" suddenly picked up on my desolation, and invited me to come for the weekend - mostly to unwind, forget for a moment, and rest. So, I took him up on his offer, and was taken the moment I laid eyes on him. Both of us tended to be reserved and a bit shy at first, but very quickly, the heat was on. His passion was turbo charged, and I felt like I was a school girl - young, captivated - lost in a fantasy built on the telephone and email in a short span - suddenly, I'm actually in his arms.

But, I could not tell if his desire was for me or for the fantasy we had built. Ultimately, after a wonderful supper he had made for us, he confessed, it was the fantasy. The reality was much more than he was prepared to bear. He says his attraction for me was still there, if not stronger - but his reality was that he was not in a position to be in a healthy relationship yet. In all honesty, I agreed, but it did not lessen the soreness in my heart or the lump I could not push through my lonely heart. He was right; both of us had full plates, but I needed him - need someone to be here with and for me during this trial in my life - and beyond ... so, it's not him, and once again, I sadly retreat with head sorrowfully down, tail dragging behind me.

I cut the trip short and left a day early to come back home to my reality; endless trips to the nursing home; no job; walking aimlessly from room to room ...

So, I picked my wicked, evil killer dog up from the boarder - caught him in the act of sucking up - you have to know, this is an aggressive, mean dog that terrorizes the entire town - but, when I'm not looking, he's a meek, mild, romeo - performing tricks and passing out kisses like there's no tomorrow ... much like most of the men I've met lately.

Late last night, it dawned on me that "A" and I had not actually consummated my visit. There were hours of foreplay - geared towards him, of course - and none of my needs had been met, except for some brief spanking that would have been wonderful, had he been more careful with the placement. He asked me about it; wanted to know if his administrations were okay, and I told him - his hands felt marvelous, the sting was appropriate, the location was not ... he was too high; spanking my tailbone. Hoping he'd correct his error, he merely nodded and looked off thoughtfully into the dim living room ... oh, well.

But, he was a sweetheart, loading me down with healthy foods, a signed manuscript and a gentle kiss for my journey back home ... And, once again, I begin again ...